so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
