Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
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