You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
How does it feel to date your dad?
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