very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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