My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
