I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
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