don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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