Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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