im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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