420 ftw
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
