Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
