I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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