I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
that's an acceptable place to lick
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Randomize
