Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
this hospital has no fireball
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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