drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
