Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
