Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
