you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
