He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Randomize
