We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
The dick lei will go down in squad history
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
