I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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