I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Girls should come with a carfax report
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize