I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Randomize
