Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
