Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize