I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Randomize
