shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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