sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
