I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
