Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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