I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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