Capitaan dildo arrescate!
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
