i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
The dick lei will go down in squad history
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
