How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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