You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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