you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
