My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
