Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
he quoted the bible to break up with me
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
3pm strippers are depressing
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Randomize
