last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
