This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
