If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize