Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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