Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
