if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
