just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
