I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
