There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
