worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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