This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
