he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
