I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
