I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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