you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize