If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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