Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
