I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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