So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
