im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
