Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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