i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
