I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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