So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
