My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
